Of stress, E3 and dresses.

So as I am writing this I'm not in the best of moods. For the past 3 weeks or so I've been back at work on reduced hours, it is not making me the happiest of bunnies. Some of the people that I work with are wonderful and they get on with their job, some do not. These people have the habit of annoying me and making my work days more stressful and stress and my mood do not go hand in hand.

After being off work for 4 months there had been a fairly long period of time since a day had been so hard that I had started crying out of nowhere. Last Sunday my streak had come to an end. It did not feel good. Since that day I almost feel as if I have been relapsing back to when I was off ill, spending all day in bed when I have been off work has happened a couple of times this week, today included. I don't want to go back to that again, for anyone who hasn't had the experience, it's not as wonderful as it seems.

This has had the effect of exacerbating my boyfriend as he is having to work really hard at the moment to make up for the loss of our income since I am working part time. It's kind of one of those situations where you understand the other persons point of view but at the same time it annoys the shit out of you. Suffice to say it has been a slightly stressful week for our relationship.

Wait, didn't I say that this blog wasn't all going to be a downer.

In other news the live blog of E3 really got to me. I thought that the games coming out for existing franchises looked fantastic, especially Tomb Raider and Splinter Cell. The trailer for Halo 4 had me screaming incoherently about shield worlds (which confused the hell out of my boyfriend as he hasn't read the Halo novels where much of the universe backstory is set out) and marvelling at the challenge these new enemies should bring. All in all the improvements to the Xbox look nice but there was a severe lack of proper information about Gears of War: Judgement which I didn't appreciate. Hopefully there will be more news at PAX.


Last but by no means least there is the final stretch of my little sisters prom dress to be working on this week, hopefully it will be ready for when she comes down for the final fitting next weekend. Though I am waiting on a delivery of satin to finish it, there shouldn't be too many problems for its completion (knock on wood and all that jazz) which should mean that final adjustments shouldn't take too long when she gets here. All I can say is thank god for dress mannequins.

Blathering starts with a pinch of mad.

I never thought that I would find myself writing a blog. I suppose that I never really thought that I should write about myself on the internet. I mean, what would I get out of it anyway?


Writing a diary only helped me for so long, it doesn't really give me the sense of getting my thoughts out, instead it's like i'm squandering them away to fester. At least thats what part of my brain thinks. Another part of my brain kind of berates me for something that deep down I view as attention whoring. At least when it's in regards to me and not other people. Others who live their lives creating wonderful things or reaching out with the experiences of difficulties they have to deal with on a day to day basis are allowed to share their thoughts and garner support. Not me. Because that would be seeking attention for something that I don't believe I should moan about. My depression.


Wow angsty much!


I know depression is not something a person can control, it's not something that you can just "get over" and when you have it, it's not something that is your fault. But try telling that to my Brain. I like to devide my brain into two sections, the scientific and logical part that views mental illness as just that, an illness with causes and treatments etc. etc. and then there is the other part. Thats the part I like to refer to as the self-depricating bitch. That part of my brain berates me for something I think I shouldn't have, after all I have had a wonderful childhood, parents who love me, I did not want for much nor was I spoilt. But I still have depression. Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken in some way that I can feel so empty and unhappy even with all that I have? The logical part of my brain that sounds so much like my mother sometimes (she is a psychiatric nurse after all) tells me that i'm not thinking properly and that you wouldn't blame someone who had the flu for being sick. But that bitchy part keeps muttering in the back of my head.


My mother once asked me if I felt all people who had a mental illness shouldn't have it, should just buck up and get over it. My answer was a very emphatic NO! To which she replied "then why do you think that you should?" To be honest, I didn't know and I still don't know. It's something that I try to work on every day, but some days it is harder than others.


Throughout writing this I am going to try get out my thoughts. Not just on my depression, but on that myriad of things that I do, play or create (or at least attempt to).


Just some thoughts on the eclectic life of me.